Is Patience even a word?

I don't know about you but life has just been a roller coaster these past few weeks. There seems to be very little hope when you have such doors slammed in your face. The emotions of everything that you do not want to feel. I know I am losing a little bit of faith but I am hanging on by a thread. I want to know what the plan for the future is. Only I can't tell God to just give it to me on a silver platter. I have to wait PATIENTLY. It's really starting to get on my nerves!

Sometimes, it is just hard for those of you who know what my life is like. I am not complaining but I seriously think some people need to get their head out of their butt and realize that at some point of your life you hit rock bottom and you want us to listen, hug and be there for you. What about the favor in return that sometimes we need to scream, cry, complain to someone who will listen because they want to be a FRIEND. What about the words of encouragement to make a person day better or a smile knowing that everything going to be all right. See patience isn't in my dictionary right now considering the fact that I am losing it ever bit of the day.


I have been in school for a very long time, and for the first time in my life I literally BURNED out.
Many of you do not know this but I was stressed, yelling, couldn't sleep, irritated and lost focus. I couldn't do it anymore. I was gone I couldn't care anymore because I had no energy in me. I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life and put school on hold so that I can get better emotionally because I was dealing with some issues that came up during Christmas time that just really consumed my thoughts 24/7, with anger, fear and pure hatred. Mentally, I just wasn't there anymore, I didn't know what I wanted , needed. Physically, it just took a toll on me that my Husband knew that I had enough. So I am putting school for my BA degree on hold. I am seeking education as an Executive Assistant on-line slowly to keep me busy with a routine.

It's not so easy having to find out that your husband lost his job, a job he had so much respect for and probably could have ran the business better. Only to see the man in your life who is over qualified with his education but doesn't have the experience because no one wants to give him a chance. It sucks to see him struggle knowing he is an AMAZING guy. His work ethic and his ability to do his job is far beyond amazing. Patience isn't even helping me now at this moment with our struggles. Having to spend our one year and one month of marriage living with my brother is hard. Never did I want to ask for help during this time. But knowing that we had to doesn't make it any easier.

Seeing your own mother breakdown and cry every time knowing she trying so hard to keep the house she loves the most. The one she raised me and was my stability. Its not easy letting go and closing the door behind you with one last look. Maybe its for the best.

I think God is testing my Faith, Patience right now. I KNOW that he has a PLAN for US. The waiting doesn't get any easier. We KNOW that he has PROVIDED for us even when we do not think we have enough.

So why am I complaining of all these things I should be grateful for what I have now? (Tom is currently asleep at 3:08 am)

Do I have an answer.. I don't know why I am complaining..

Maybe because I feel that every single waking moment I see my husband and he drives me nuts when he gets bored. He NEEDS a JOB! So Do I!

Maybe because we are worried about our financial situation.

Maybe because we are not perfect and we fight over the stupid stuff.

Maybe because sometimes I feel like breaking down because life sucks when it just doesn't happen to you but your family member.

Maybe because it just makes you feel better and knowing that things will be OK in the long run. But you wonder why it happens to you.

Maybe because God wants us to learn to DEPEND only on him. After all he did promise that he will provide what he thinks we need. Not what we want.

Maybe because God is teaching us to value the important and not the things that we do want.

Maybe because I am trying to seek out what he wants for us. I just do not yet see or hear it yet.

Maybe because I do not want to be a failure in Gods eyes: my husbands, family, friends.

Why do I care?

I shouldn't because I have the most important people in my life that I love with me. I know that God is there everyday and I acknowledge him yet it seems so hard to keep running on faith when you feel like your tank is on Empty.

All we can do is wait and seek him to answer us, maybe then Patience will be back in my vocabulary.

VeVe

Trying to Catch UP

So Tom and I have a bunch of stuff to rant about but have not really been faithful with blogging. Hopefully as the days go by we will.. soon..

About US Part 2

Since my wife has finished writing the first post telling the story of how our relationship began, I will begin telling the story about what happened at that point and afterwards from my perspective.

When she told me about her background, I, due to my rather tolerant and loving nature, accepted it and did not let it bother me as it might have bothered ordinary people. My parents did teach me like Veronica mentioned that it's not the past of the person that matters but what they are doing to change that matters.

Anyways, the courtship began online in earnest and we started having longer and longer conversations. I remember one of the most controversial conversations we had typically covered abortion and usually ended in a stalemate. My wife, to this day, thinks she's always right on this and every other issue (how do I deflate such ego when I love the woman!).

We often would talk a few hours a day and it was nearly routine for us to talk in the afternoons. Occasionally we would carry on discussions during her classes that had computers and she'd be trying so hard to keep things quiet and usually she did.

In about July, she had reached the point where she felt like she had to tell me how she felt about me and of course, I encouraged her honesty because I also felt the same way, not with the same intensity though. The intensity of my love for her really grew during the year we lived together prior to our marriage but for her, the intensity was greatest in the period preceding that. After she confessed her feelings for me, I was still waffling about whether or not to start calling myself in a relationship even though it was online.

In August, I talked with her about having a thing for one of my friends in Tucson and contemplated dating her. This set her off in a fury and so she fired off an email that basically said that I needed to make a choice at that moment whether to continue with our friendship/relationship or to pursue other women. My being interested in other women was essentially a slap in the face for her since she already told me how she felt. That night after she wrote the email, I went to work and the whole time at work, my mind was buzzing with thoughts about how to deal with this and eventually I came to the decision that I should commit to her because if I chose the other route, I would have risked losing much more than I could have potentially gained. Thank God for pragmatism because it usually put me in the right direction. After that night, I came home and told her that she was right and I decided that I was going to stick with her and visit her when the time came to see her and then decide whether to be totally committed from that point on for good when I meet her in person.


In September, I helped a friend of mine move from his old home to a new home in 24 hours which was absolutely crazy and stupid. However, in the effort to help him move, I pushed myself to the limits physically and also had to deal with conditions that were certainly unsanitary. For a few days afterwards, I had problems with diarrhea and this threw off my whole training for a huge cycling event called the Cochise County Cycling Classic. This event was a 252 mile ride within 24 hours and the length itself means if anyone completes it, they are certainly worthy of being called one of the toughest persons on earth. I could have still pulled it off but the problem is that my getting sick threw off my training so bad that I felt that there was no way that I could have finished it and in reasonable time that I decided, screw it, and gave that up. Instead I booked a Greyhound to Amarillo, TX to meet Veronica.

The bus ride was not bad, but unfortunately we left about two hours late and this meant missing my major connection and being late to Amarillo by about 12 hours. This left Veronica a nervous wreck since she didn't know whether I was gonna show or not since I was 12 hours late. She even called my mother to check and of course, my mother said, he'll be there, just don't worry about it. She was right, I wasn't going to waste a hundred or so dollars not going on a bus trip or any trip for that matter. Anyways, I showed up at her house and I was lying on the lawn playing with her dog when she showed up at 5 PM on a warm afternoon on October 12, 2007.

I will say that this point was the point where I feel that I made one of the best decisions I ever made in my life, period, because I gained a wonderful wife who I love dearly and lost very little in the process.