I can tell you right now that the writing of this blog is for ME and those who CHOOSE to read it. Let me warn you Life is not ROSY. So if you cannot comprehend what I have to say then I suggest you leave my blog.
When I blogged back in March about my WONDERFUL husband Tom losing his job. How devastating and just an emotional downhill of the unforeseen. I had an emotional breakdown not just because my husband lost his job but because I was DEALING and I still am dealing with a lot of emotional trauma from the time I was seven. Mentally and physically I have blocked out terror of trauma since. I can tell you this I have an AMAZING hubby who sticks by me no matter what.
Growing up I was always the adult as I watched my mom and my brother's lifestyle get out of control. I found no one to turn to and no comfort. Food was my COMFORT, I remember eating a whole medium pizza when I was 14 while my mom got ready to go out. I always wanted to SHOUT out look at me. I am here, do you not care? I grew up way FASTER for anyone my age. How does a child… A child who is suppose to be a kid have to stay awake at night to make sure one of their mommy's friends doesn't come in. Or how does a child stay up all night just to make sure mommy is breathing still, after twenty something cans laying around and small brown containers full of white powder. What kid does that, I DID. (You might ask why I am writing this blog that is so deep yet so personal. The reason is because someday my goal is to write about my secrets and with God's Grace and AMAZING love that people can CHANGE.)
You see, the past year, I have achieved so much, my relationship with God (It is getting better), my marriage, school, family and friends. That was great but inside something ate me ALIVE that on the outside everything was GREAT. ONLY the inside I was broken to pieces, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't do anything. I was slowly just drifting away, I realize that it came from the fact that my family is not someone who I want to be around. I love them but I just can't, I have this hate for someone who destroyed what love really means and took my soul away. Yet I had to face him for the first time in 10 years. ALL the trauma that I blocked out emotionally and mentally was catching up. When I saw him for the first time the box unlocked and I had no idea how to DEAL with it. Only remembering everything and remembering all the times that I wanted to say something only you can't because your family says you don't tell on family members. I have waited twenty years too long, a MISTAKE THAT I CARRY EVERYDAY.
Now I take a STAND, a STAND that I know of the people who love me and supports me. I shouldn't feel fear because I lose family members over this. Now is the time that I pick away the scab so that I can HEAL properly. If I have learned anything throughout my life is that I know that there are worse situations than what I have been through, but I look at my life and see how PROUD I am of myself, what I am able to do this with God's help and that the SUPPORT I have is not only from GOD my rock, savior, but my Husband and my church family. If I have learned anything from my MISTAKES is that I know, GOD has FORGIVEN ME, showed his MERCY. and that people DO change. IF they want to. I would not change ANYTHING in my life as I know it because I would not have met my HUSBAND. I am in AWE at how Tom is because when I first started talking to him I laid out all my cards, with NOTHING to hide. To hear his response of “That is it? What are you going to do with your life now?” Sometimes I do not think I DESERVE him but God has a Plan. I dare not to interfere with his PLAN. I can only be GRATEFUL for what he has given me and give back.
To many people I may be the person you want to judge because I have made my bed but you know what at least I can make it and know that no matter what I am going to keep on getting back up. Everyone makes MISTAKES, but I think the real lesson out there is, When you meet someone, you look down on them and judge them for something they are trying to fix to make their life better, Yet you make mistakes and say no one has the right to look down on you. No one is BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE. Someday you are going to need someone to support you after the mistakes that no one UNDERSTANDS and you just might find it amazing that the person you looked down on, understands and yet supports YOU.
I thank the God I know and the family,friends who know me for giving me that UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, THE LOVE THAT I KNOW IS REAL. To this day, I have experienced PEACE AND HEALING, SLOWLY of course because I am finally coming to terms that I was a CHILD. There are things I cannot control. Now that I am an adult I know what I want. I want to be in God's presence. I leave you with this…
No comments:
Post a Comment