Sunday, August 2, 2009

About US Part 2

Since my wife has finished writing the first post telling the story of how our relationship began, I will begin telling the story about what happened at that point and afterwards from my perspective.

When she told me about her background, I, due to my rather tolerant and loving nature, accepted it and did not let it bother me as it might have bothered ordinary people. My parents did teach me like Veronica mentioned that it's not the past of the person that matters but what they are doing to change that matters.

Anyways, the courtship began online in earnest and we started having longer and longer conversations. I remember one of the most controversial conversations we had typically covered abortion and usually ended in a stalemate. My wife, to this day, thinks she's always right on this and every other issue (how do I deflate such ego when I love the woman!).

We often would talk a few hours a day and it was nearly routine for us to talk in the afternoons. Occasionally we would carry on discussions during her classes that had computers and she'd be trying so hard to keep things quiet and usually she did.

In about July, she had reached the point where she felt like she had to tell me how she felt about me and of course, I encouraged her honesty because I also felt the same way, not with the same intensity though. The intensity of my love for her really grew during the year we lived together prior to our marriage but for her, the intensity was greatest in the period preceding that. After she confessed her feelings for me, I was still waffling about whether or not to start calling myself in a relationship even though it was online.

In August, I talked with her about having a thing for one of my friends in Tucson and contemplated dating her. This set her off in a fury and so she fired off an email that basically said that I needed to make a choice at that moment whether to continue with our friendship/relationship or to pursue other women. My being interested in other women was essentially a slap in the face for her since she already told me how she felt. That night after she wrote the email, I went to work and the whole time at work, my mind was buzzing with thoughts about how to deal with this and eventually I came to the decision that I should commit to her because if I chose the other route, I would have risked losing much more than I could have potentially gained. Thank God for pragmatism because it usually put me in the right direction. After that night, I came home and told her that she was right and I decided that I was going to stick with her and visit her when the time came to see her and then decide whether to be totally committed from that point on for good when I meet her in person.

In September, I helped a friend of mine move from his old home to a new home in 24 hours which was absolutely crazy and stupid. However, in the effort to help him move, I pushed myself to the limits physically and also had to deal with conditions that were certainly unsanitary. For a few days afterwards, I had problems with diarrhea and this threw off my whole training for a huge cycling event called the Cochise County Cycling Classic. This event was a 252 mile ride within 24 hours and the length itself means if anyone completes it, they are certainly worthy of being called one of the toughest persons on earth. I could have still pulled it off but the problem is that my getting sick threw off my training so bad that I felt that there was no way that I could have finished it and in reasonable time that I decided, screw it, and gave that up. Instead I booked a Greyhound to Amarillo, TX to meet Veronica.

The bus ride was not bad, but unfortunately we left about two hours late and this meant missing my major connection and being late to Amarillo by about 12 hours. This left Veronica a nervous wreck since she didn't know whether I was gonna show or not since I was 12 hours late. She even called my mother to check and of course, my mother said, he'll be there, just don't worry about it. She was right, I wasn't going to waste a hundred or so dollars not going on a bus trip or any trip for that matter. Anyways, I showed up at her house and I was lying on the lawn playing with her dog when she showed up at 5 PM on a warm afternoon on October 12, 2007.

I will say that this point was the point where I feel that I made one of the best decisions I ever made in my life, period, because I gained a wonderful wife who I love dearly and lost very little in the process.

About US Part 1

I decided that I would post a blog about US I know people find it very very crazy but hey it worked for us it can work for others. I will give a prehistory of where I was in my life before I met Tom. It wasn't pretty but God had a plan.

When I graduated high school I was determined to get out of here and focus on my independent life and find who I am. I attended SWCID some people think it wasn't the best choice but personally for me at the time it was for me. I had a lot of people give me their wisdom and love and guidance and I took it to heart but did not follow it. I guess I just wanted to be my own person without the shadow of people wanting me to do right because I knew I was the first to actually do something for myself. Did I make the right choices? No. Did I follow my heart? Yes. Did I get hurt? Many times! Did I meet the right friends? Yes! I wouldn't change them or anything because to this day they are still in my life. No matter where I was or what I was doing, I knew in my heart they were my true friends and I wouldn't have to question it. Flash forward two years later I was barely 21 and yet I didn't have all the answers to my life of what to do. With everyone leaving at SWCID, I didn't know what to do so I decided to move back home. Well the lifestyle I led didn't stop. I got involved with the wrong people and did something regretfully stupid and ended up with a spank in the butt that I cannot ever change. There are days I question myself the what if's and should haves but I cannot go back and change what I did. I can only look forward and do the best that I can now. Most of you know my mother and brother have addictions to alcohol and drugs. I promised myself that I would not fall into that. With the things that happened into my life I of course loved to party back in my days but I looked to alcohol and sex as a fill for the void that I had. Some people know that alcohol and drugs are the most addicting things you can get into. What you don't know is that sex is also addicting when you use it for the wrong reasons. So there I said it, I had a sex addiction I couldn't break. I remember countless times when a little voice has told me that it was wrong and if I didn't change consequences would be there. Did I listen? No. I wish I did because life would be a lot better. But I learned something that so many addicts struggle with I learned that I didn't need sex to fill the void of my emptiness. I learned that to love myself is better than having someone love me. I learned that Love is a choice and not a feeling. I keep thinking why didn't GOD just say so! Well I learned the hard way. I wasn't listening. I was putting up a barrier to block his unconditional love. 2006 was the hardest year of my life. That year after everything that happened and such I did everything I possibly could before my sentence was given in 2007. I am glad I did. Don't get me wrong but 2006 I had a lot of anger towards people who were God's angels and he was sending them to save me but I didn't LISTEN! I got all of my party days out of my system and I told myself that it was the last of the last. I didn't want to be like my mom or brother drinking and doing what they did. At that same time my mom was in trouble and went to jail for a year. The hardest year of my life without my mom, God has his reason, before she left I cried so hard and I told her what I did was stupid but who in the world is going to love me for what I did? Are they ever going to understand it. My mom told me that no matter what to have faith and know that God understands and loves you no matter what if you forgive yourself and he will forgive you. I never would have believed her. Really my mom is not good at the relationship part but just holding on to her words of FAITH and LOVE made me and held me together for the year that I thought I couldn't without her. She was my backbone to Believing in myself again. She loved me no matter what. I think I asked God a few times if this is his reason she is my mother to teach me the reality of things. I thank him for that. Like I said he works in mysterious ways and has a plan for everything.

Just as my mom left I decided to take a risk and see what was out there. (blushes) I decided to post an ad on DSC (deaf singles connection). I always told myself that Deaf guys were the last on my list of everything but I was curious. Little did I know I wasn't suppose to have an ad because of rules so that night on March 16th 2007 I decided to see who emailed me. I get a email from Shadow80, I was like hmmmm, I wonder why he in the shadows? Maybe he doesn't sound like who he is.. So since I didn't pay for emailing I took advantage to email back since I was 1. closing my account and 2. it was free because he emailed me.
I read his email as something like this: Hi just wanted to say Wow you look amazingly hot. No offense but nice assets. Boy was I raging with anger of this guy is a jerk! So I emailed him and said gee thanks I guess that the only thing you were looking at. At the bottom I basically said can't have the profile so here my email Addy. When I hit the send button I felt stupid.

He responded back by saying No, it was the last thing what I was wanting to say was your profile of how your out look on life was amazing not many people have that. So we got to talking and all. I was taking a risk but something about him just spoke of honesty that I will never forget. He told me where he was from what he did etc and the more we talked the more I couldn't wait to hear how his day went or mine. The one thing I did test on him was telling him my background, I expected the reaction of many others I have said to friends, family or what not. His reaction was everyone has a past, my parents taught me to focus on the present not the past. I was like wait a minute "your telling me that you understand?" And so that was the beginning of the great dance between me and my future husband.