Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Is Patience even a word?

I don't know about you but life has just been a roller coaster these past few weeks. There seems to be very little hope when you have such doors slammed in your face. The emotions of everything that you do not want to feel. I know I am losing a little bit of faith but I am hanging on by a thread. I want to know what the plan for the future is. Only I can't tell God to just give it to me on a silver platter. I have to wait PATIENTLY. It's really starting to get on my nerves!

Sometimes, it is just hard for those of you who know what my life is like. I am not complaining but I seriously think some people need to get their head out of their butt and realize that at some point of your life you hit rock bottom and you want us to listen, hug and be there for you. What about the favor in return that sometimes we need to scream, cry, complain to someone who will listen because they want to be a FRIEND. What about the words of encouragement to make a person day better or a smile knowing that everything going to be all right. See patience isn't in my dictionary right now considering the fact that I am losing it ever bit of the day.

I have been in school for a very long time, and for the first time in my life I literally BURNED out.
Many of you do not know this but I was stressed, yelling, couldn't sleep, irritated and lost focus. I couldn't do it anymore. I was gone I couldn't care anymore because I had no energy in me. I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life and put school on hold so that I can get better emotionally because I was dealing with some issues that came up during Christmas time that just really consumed my thoughts 24/7, with anger, fear and pure hatred. Mentally, I just wasn't there anymore, I didn't know what I wanted , needed. Physically, it just took a toll on me that my Husband knew that I had enough. So I am putting school for my BA degree on hold. I am seeking education as an Executive Assistant on-line slowly to keep me busy with a routine.

It's not so easy having to find out that your husband lost his job, a job he had so much respect for and probably could have ran the business better. Only to see the man in your life who is over qualified with his education but doesn't have the experience because no one wants to give him a chance. It sucks to see him struggle knowing he is an AMAZING guy. His work ethic and his ability to do his job is far beyond amazing. Patience isn't even helping me now at this moment with our struggles. Having to spend our one year and one month of marriage living with my brother is hard. Never did I want to ask for help during this time. But knowing that we had to doesn't make it any easier.

Seeing your own mother breakdown and cry every time knowing she trying so hard to keep the house she loves the most. The one she raised me and was my stability. Its not easy letting go and closing the door behind you with one last look. Maybe its for the best.

I think God is testing my Faith, Patience right now. I KNOW that he has a PLAN for US. The waiting doesn't get any easier. We KNOW that he has PROVIDED for us even when we do not think we have enough.

So why am I complaining of all these things I should be grateful for what I have now? (Tom is currently asleep at 3:08 am)

Do I have an answer.. I don't know why I am complaining..

Maybe because I feel that every single waking moment I see my husband and he drives me nuts when he gets bored. He NEEDS a JOB! So Do I!

Maybe because we are worried about our financial situation.

Maybe because we are not perfect and we fight over the stupid stuff.

Maybe because sometimes I feel like breaking down because life sucks when it just doesn't happen to you but your family member.

Maybe because it just makes you feel better and knowing that things will be OK in the long run. But you wonder why it happens to you.

Maybe because God wants us to learn to DEPEND only on him. After all he did promise that he will provide what he thinks we need. Not what we want.

Maybe because God is teaching us to value the important and not the things that we do want.

Maybe because I am trying to seek out what he wants for us. I just do not yet see or hear it yet.

Maybe because I do not want to be a failure in Gods eyes: my husbands, family, friends.

Why do I care?

I shouldn't because I have the most important people in my life that I love with me. I know that God is there everyday and I acknowledge him yet it seems so hard to keep running on faith when you feel like your tank is on Empty.

All we can do is wait and seek him to answer us, maybe then Patience will be back in my vocabulary.


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